Something about Happiness…
For a period of my life I was sure I had a chemical imbalance. This was after finding out a lot of people suffering from depression had a chemical imbalance in their brain. It was the opposite for me. I was always feeling good. Always happy. At some point my social media name was ‘Happy Boy’. I noticed nothing bothered me, I just was always in a good mood. I was so oblivious of people’s reality that I get very confused when I see people get sad over seemingly minor events(at least they seemed minor to me). Like having their phone screen broken or failing an exam or being turned down by someone they liked.
When I became much more aware I realized I generally didn’t care about things, and while this nihilistic view is the very source of sadness for some people, it was why I was almost always happy. When things happen, I quickly dismiss it and if I can do something about it, I develop a plan towards solving it.
Life was easy.
I had my first bout of depression when I was 20. My father had had some financial misfortune the previous year and it was beginning to affect me but being a hustler, I had always found a way to survive. I bought and sold knock off/replica watches. On this faithful day, it bit me in the ass. The client I sold to threatened to have me arrested for selling him a knockoff Rolex Watch and I had to scramble to get his money back. The event left me financially drained and I had to go without food for 3 days. For someone that had never missed a day’s food, that single event threw me to a very harsh reality of life. But I was soon back to being the happy boy.
At 28, I looked back at all of my life experience and while I will like to take an actual test to know why I always feel good, it no longer matters so much to me. I have mostly had highs or what people term happiness and it honestly doesn’t mean shit.
Here is something I have observed. People are in constant pursuit of happiness. Now for someone that has felt happy most of the times, I struggled a bit with understanding the obsession with it. When I talk to most people, and talk about happiness, they always seem to think it will fix all of their life problems. Like if they can just fix their life to a point where they always feel happy, they suddenly wouldn’t have life problems anymore but that is far from the reality. In fact if one does manage to achieve a state of constant ‘happiness’, it still wouldn’t change much. I have had moments when I felt happy and I didn’t feel fulfilled about life. I would feel very happy yet yearn to live life. I would be happy yet not at peace.
Happiness is overrated.
In all honesty, I am largely convinced that when people find that happiness they think they want, it won’t be enough. I have had a relatively amazing time living on earth and it had nothing to do with happiness. It was because I was at peace. The best I have felt in life was when I had lived as truly to who I am as possible. Being broke didn’t matter, where I slept, what I ate, and my relationship status did not have any impact on this peace. I had happy and sad days and it didn’t matter because I was at peace. I had chased only one thing, living. Living authentically, searching within myself and living as true to what I find as possible.
I questioned, searched, allowed myself feel, experience and float through the reality of my life. With the fear, sadness, and insecurity I had chosen to live in the most honest way possible, as myself. From talking to people, I have also discovered that the most peaceful moment in their lives have been period of complete honesty to self. Choosing to do nothing except live.
I didn’t go about looking for peace. I simply did what many of us are already capable of doing. I looked within myself and decided to do one thing. Live.
